New Voting Booths Lock Americans Inside For 45 Minutes So They Can Consider Decision Before Casting Ballot

WASHINGTON—Election boards across the country reportedly began installing new voting booths this week that are specially designed to keep citizens locked inside for 45 minutes, forcing them to actually consider the decision they are making before they cast their ballot. “We believe the new booths, which detain voters inside a plain 4-foot-by-4-foot area for almost an hour without any diversions or distractions, will provide individuals with the opportunity they need to pause and really think about who they’re voting for and why,” said Florida Elections Commission representative Pam Johnston, explaining how a heavy-duty steel latch on the outside of the booth automatically fastens as soon as the occupant closes the door, leaving the voter with little choice but to ponder the candidates on the ballot, the policies being proposed, and their own long-term interests.

“For the entire 45 minutes, Americans will be left alone to contemplate their vote and the very real repercussions it will have, which is an outcome that almost assuredly wouldn’t result unless we forcibly confined them inside a small, featureless enclosure with no means of escape.” Sources confirmed that voters could fill out their ballot as early into the 45-minute period as they like, but would have to spend the remainder of the time inside the sealed booth reflecting on what they had just done.